just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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