the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
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