I am spending my child support on dildos
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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