you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
