Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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