the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
