I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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