if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
