Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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