I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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