If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
