ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
