I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
