I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
