The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
