Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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