Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize