Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
