his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
