Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
