I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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