Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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