either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
