there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
