1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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