she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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