the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
