i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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