i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
