She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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