i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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