so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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