You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
