I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
