Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
