Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
