even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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