Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
