I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
