I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
