onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
