Sponge bath it is.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
