i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
