I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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