Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
