2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
