Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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