Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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