I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My feet surprised me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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