I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
