I should be sponsored by Trojan
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
