My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
