So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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