Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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