Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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