My liver just broke up with me...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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