just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
