update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
