i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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