saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
