You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
