I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
