I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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