You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
