You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
